Being a heart mom is very challenging. It comes with heartache, fear, anxiety,daily medication, doctors visits, therapy appointments, etc. But it also has its advantages like, discovering have precious life is!
Sometimes it can be so overwhelming. Recently we just celebrated Roman's first birthday. I found myself completely sad. I felt cheated that I didn't get to do the fun new baby things with Roman. I was wheeled out of the hospital without my baby. I came home from the hospital without my baby. Roman's room was empty with out him in it. I could not ease any of Roman's pain. I did not get to sit and rock him. When I did it was working around all the heart monitors, lead wires, picc lines.
At times I just wanted to sit in a dark room by myself and cry, but everyone told me I had to be strong for Roman. Honestly, I think this is probably the worst thing that you could tell a heart mommy. I think the best advice to give ANYONE going through hard times is that its OK not to be strong! Its OK to cry! Its OK to be angry! Its OK to want to be alone! I spent my time and still do trying to be strong for everyone, but honestly I'm weak. And I think I can be weak for awhile!
One of the hardest things for me right is thinking about the future. With the girls I always can envision them going to Kindergarten, going to College, getting married and starting a family. With Roman, its so foggy. We honestly do not know his future. I am so glad when people will say, I can't wait to see what he is like when he is a teenager, and honestly it breaks me up inside knowing that we might not get to see that. People say focus on today and not worry about tomorrow, but with Roman I worry all the time. Each morning when I wake up, I plead with God, please give me another day!
But, when my little man gives me that huge smile, and big hugs I know that he is here for a reason! He is here because God chose us to be his parents. He decided that we would love Roman no matter what obstacles would stand in our way. He knew we would fight with all our might to protect him! He knew that his sisters would learn so many lesson about love and life, from Roman. He knew we would have the love and support from friends and family that truly care about us! He knew we would grow closer as a family because of Roman. He knew we would have times when we are weak, angry, strong, happy, and nervous, and yet He still picked us!!
